Remember those times when the usual things actually had an effect on you?
Like hearing the news of a person’s death, a person cheating, your mom deciding to go on vacation out of the blue, your son saying the F word at three, winning a prize for your hard work, finding a golden locket in the sand beneath your feet?
Yeah, well does that happen to you any longer? Are you as fazed as you used to be by people and things?
Seems like surprises have lost their magic on me and I can’t be moved to the extent of dripping a tear or feeling a touched and happy pang in my heart.
Now, at this point, I would be ringing the emergency alarm bell because this phase of unfeelingness has got to mean one thing: I’m turning into a piece of stonework. A person who has lost her sense of wonder and curiosity. Her senses entirely of taste, smell, touch and sight have been disconnected from her, yet they’re there functioning at a base level.
Honestly, I am not bothered by it. On the contrary, I am appreciative of this phase in which I am not constantly brought to my feet, sobbing my heart on the bathroom tiled floor since I’d just seen an image, read a line, heard a song or smelled a scent that reminded me of a certain time or person.
I’ve read so many novels and watched many movies in which the leading girl was this cold hearted bitch who was unmoved by anyone’s advances or attempts at sweet talk and cuteness and I’d go like “This has got to be made up because there’s no way in hell a girl can be that cold and unfeeling.”
I detested such personalities secretly because I was certain at the time that I had no chance ever being like them. I was jealous of them.
But life and experiences had to come along knocking my door and practically pulling me out of the comfort of my sensitivity down by my hair to the floor where I thrashed and bled wounds that run deep above my knees.
I bled so much so that I got accustomed to the taste of my own blood.
I lived badly and my dreams were so frequently leaving me panting at night, reliving every experience so that I was entirely consumed by this darkness.
The feeling stuck and I don’t know exactly when it happened, but my fear of being hurt and being alone started to dissolve.
I sometimes am visited by swift feelings and memories evoked by those senses that threaten to pull me back to those memories that enweaken me and just about when I feel a burning tear forming, I think of all the right reasons why no one deserves them, and just like that, I turn my senses off once more, pushing away those fears, those tears.
I want to be the iron lady for now.
I want to live her for as long as I can.
I want to bask in this power and strong grip I have over what affects me and what doesn’t.
I want this to last as long as it can because I know a time will come, when my senses will come raging at me asking me for a compensation.
Till then, I may have learned to create an infusion of the two characters that would leave me satisfied.