I wonder often how things work out here in this life we’ve been forced to go through.
Coming here wasn’t our choice and it seems now, after much thought, that so many other things aren’t our choices too.
I’ve always believed our fate was all in our hands. Heck, I never believed in the word even. We decide for ourselves how we get to be treated. We decide on the degree of happiness we deserve and we choose to back away when needed and when to get close.
But, what about those instances when your hands are tied behind your back? What about those moments in which you’re under an entire building’s worth of rubble and the only exit you see out is an option that leaves you at odds? What about those times when you’re tired of going on and you want to give in and let life take control because you’re fed up with being the mastermind, you’re fed up with making decisions? You’re fed up with waking up everyday and putting up a brave front, obeying orders and instructions, smiling automatically at people and stripping off diapers at the end of the day?
What about those times when you lay in your bed, afraid of breathing loudly lest you wake up the one year old you spent the past hour miraculously putting to sleep and then wishing with a trembling yearning that you had someone see you at that moment, see how you’re going through the most difficult and trying phase of your life and then just meaningfully look into your eyes and have them tell you that you will be well taken care of.
You’re fed up with taking care of others and need to be taken care of. You have to have that reward. You just have to!
You’ve got to realize that I still believe in that pot of gold at the end of my black and white rainbow, but I’m not naive and stupid enough to depend on it either. Heck, I can’t even depend on realities, how much more a fairytale I grew up envisioning everyday.