I was a late-learner.
I learned very late to depend on myself.
I always sought out others from who I would leech off some form of security or solution.
That’s why I was always in fear.
I feared being on my own and I was terrified of losing the people I depended on to the extent that even when they happened to cut me deep and hurt me, I had no choice but to take them back.
No choice than to bite down hard on my tongue and swallow back the bitterness of the hurt and smile in return, showcasing my naive and stupid ways.
But somehow, someway, I got tired of hurting all on my own, and I got tired of the act of having to place others before myself, especially when I knew I lacked nothing to be treated with some form of dignity and value.
I got fed up with spending nights crying over people who slept peacefully on those nights.
It made me feel worthless, under-rated and a tool in their hands. I was a tool used to sculpt the image of the human they had in mind.
But what about my dreams and my images? Why didn’t I tell them they weren’t who I wished for too?!
They were full of mistakes themselves!!
They hurt people, they were rude, they were ignorant and selfish and proud and and and…..
Today, I’m someone who has risen from my ashes. I just had to destroy myself, self-destruct and re-gather my pieces to fit them in the correct way in order to be content of my actions, and how I get treated by people.
I have learned this one verryyyy important lesson:
That a lot of people out there will not respect you and do not have the ability as I do to place themselves in my shoes like I do towards them.
I will no longer fearfully relent to their wishes and opinions and wants. I will not be a computer on which they get to install their pirated programs.
But most importantly I am no longer afraid of losing anyone.
If my presence in their life meant anything in the slightest to them,
I wouldn’t have to fight for them or win their approval.
~A broadcasted diary entry.