Everytime I wanted to make a friend or get closer to someone in school, I was always cast away.
I don’t think it had to do with anything I had done that would make them cast me away like that or turn down my offer to play a game together.
I was always unheard and even if I did gain their attention for a minute or two, their gazes would immediately wander off onto more interesting happenings or some spicy gossip which I never knew how to contribute to.
I was a very shy person to begin with and this only added to my unreasonable insecurities.
Never one to boast about my latest addition to my barbie collection or that I’d recently been gifted the barbie kitchen set, I’d learned well that I would only be hated further and become more of an outcast if I did that. Jealousy at that age ate kids alive!
I never knew the reality of my situation then, I never understood why I was judged based on my skin tone or that the big packed lunch box and fruits that I brought everyday was what detoriated my friendship, or lack of, with my classmates even further.
If I had known, I guess I would have given up lunch entirely. Not that I didn’t try that too. There were so many times I had chosen to share my lunch just so I could get a smile of acknowledgement and kindness from someone!
I was that miserable and desperate.
I grew up being the kind of person who says yes to anyone and everyone, a person nice to the point of being called stupid or a pet.
All along, I knew what got me here, and I’ll tell you this: I gradually began to be that person who spoke her piece of mind without caring about being so nice anymore.
I don’t want everyone’s acceptance.
I don’t need everyone’s love to know that I can be loved.